I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of My Dog dog
food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind
me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because
I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I
woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so
it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here
that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an
Irish Setter's bottom and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco..

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of daft things to say.

"David Hill" wrote in message ...

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO


Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an
Irish Setter's bottom and a car hit me.

Lol thanks David, I'll pinch that for elsewhere.

On 2013-09-07 11:13:29 +0100, David Hill said:

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of My Dog
dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman
behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because
I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I
woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete
so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention
here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my
story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an
Irish Setter's bottom and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco..

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of daft things to say.

Love it! Very funny.
--

Sacha
www.hillhousenursery.com
South Devon
www.helpforheroes.org.uk

Sacha wrote in
:

On 2013-09-07 11:13:29 +0100, David Hill said:

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of My Dog
dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman
behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms
before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of
my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled
with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff
an Irish Setter's bottom and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco..

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in
the world to think of daft things to say.

Love it! Very funny.

I was also at Tesco the other day, and I saw a dog licking his privates. I
said to his owner "I wish I could do that"
The owner said "Give him one of Davids biscuits and he will let you"

Baz

On Saturday, September 7, 2013 12:34:03 PM UTC+1, Baz wrote:
Sacha wrote in

:



On 2013-09-07 11:13:29 +0100, David Hill said:



I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO



Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of My Dog

dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman

behind me asked if I had a dog.



What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have

little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I

was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t,

because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms

before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of

my orifices and IVs in both arms.



I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way

that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply

eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally

complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to

mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled

with my story.)



Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the

dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff

an Irish Setter's bottom and a car hit me.



I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was

laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco..



Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in

the world to think of daft things to say.



Love it! Very funny.



I was also at Tesco the other day, and I saw a dog licking his privates. I

said to his owner "I wish I could do that"

The owner said "Give him one of Davids biscuits and he will let you"



Baz

Now that is an old quote from Churchill

Jonathan

wrote in
:

On Saturday, September 7, 2013 12:34:03 PM UTC+1, Baz wrote:
Sacha wrote in

:



On 2013-09-07 11:13:29 +0100, David Hill said:



I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO



Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of My
Dog


dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a
woman


behind me asked if I had a dog.



What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and
have


little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog,
I

was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably
shouldn’t,

because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10
kilograms

before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most
of

my orifices and IVs in both arms.



I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way

that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and
simply

eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
nutritionally

complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have
to

mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled

with my story.)



Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because
the

dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to
sniff

an Irish Setter's bottom and a car hit me.



I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he
was


laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco..



Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time
in

the world to think of daft things to say.



Love it! Very funny.



I was also at Tesco the other day, and I saw a dog licking his
privates.
I

said to his owner "I wish I could do that"

The owner said "Give him one of Davids biscuits and he will let you"



Baz

Now that is an old quote from Churchill

Jonathan


Not my insurance company! We don't like nodding dogs.
Baz

David Hill wrote:

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of daft things to say.

I was just having my morning coffee. I _think_ I can clean the monitor and
keyboard!

--
Gary Woods AKA K2AHC- PGP key on request, or at home.earthlink.net/~garygarlic
Zone 5/4 in upstate New York, 1420' elevation. NY WO G

"David Hill" wrote in message
...
I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of My Dog dog
food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me
asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I
ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up
in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in
both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it
works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish
Setter's bottom and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco..

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of daft things to say.

I don't believe you, I've heard that one before!
Tina

"David Hill" wrote in message
...
I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish
Setter's bottom and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco..


Brilliant David, a good giggle :-)

Bill

"Baz" wrote in message
...
Sacha wrote in
:

On 2013-09-07 11:13:29 +0100, David Hill said:

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of My Dog
dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman
behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldnâ?Tt,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms
before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of
my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled
with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff
an Irish Setter's bottom and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco..

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in
the world to think of daft things to say.

Love it! Very funny.

I was also at Tesco the other day, and I saw a dog licking his privates. I
said to his owner "I wish I could do that"
The owner said "Give him one of Davids biscuits and he will let you"


I didn't know they let dogs into Tesco.

Another Tesco story for you

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a
young
husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance
policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging
to
have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a
nefarious,
dark-side, underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'


Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing
out
a spouse was £5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that
amount,
but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his
wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least
something up
front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin
that
rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to
accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco
store.
There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to
strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman
drew
her last breath and slumped to the floor the manager of the produce
department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to
leave
any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the
produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire
proceedings
were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the
store's
security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under
intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole
sordid
plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless
husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared............





(You're going to hate me for this) scroll down














'ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO!'



"harryagain" wrote in message ...


"Baz" wrote in message
...
Sacha wrote in
:

On 2013-09-07 11:13:29 +0100, David Hill said:

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of My Dog
dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman
behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldnâ?Tt,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms
before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of
my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled
with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff
an Irish Setter's bottom and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco..

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in
the world to think of daft things to say.

Love it! Very funny.

I was also at Tesco the other day, and I saw a dog licking his privates. I
said to his owner "I wish I could do that"
The owner said "Give him one of Davids biscuits and he will let you"


I didn't know they let dogs into Tesco.

On 08/09/2013 09:05, harryagain wrote:
"Baz" wrote in message
...
Sacha wrote in
:

On 2013-09-07 11:13:29 +0100, David Hill said:

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of My Dog
dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman
behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldnâ?Tt,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms
before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of
my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled
with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff
an Irish Setter's bottom and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco..

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in
the world to think of daft things to say.

Love it! Very funny.

I was also at Tesco the other day, and I saw a dog licking his privates. I
said to his owner "I wish I could do that"
The owner said "Give him one of Davids biscuits and he will let you"


I didn't know they let dogs into Tesco.


They don't.
But you often see then tied up just outside the doors.

What about Guide Dogs?

Mike
Sunny but cloudy South East Coast of the Isle of Wight
Rain Radar promises us a downpour any moment now





"David Hill" wrote in message ...

On 08/09/2013 09:05, harryagain wrote:
"Baz" wrote in message
...
Sacha wrote in
:

On 2013-09-07 11:13:29 +0100, David Hill said:

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of My Dog
dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman
behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldnâ?Tt,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms
before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of
my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled
with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff
an Irish Setter's bottom and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco..

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in
the world to think of daft things to say.

Love it! Very funny.

I was also at Tesco the other day, and I saw a dog licking his privates.
I
said to his owner "I wish I could do that"
The owner said "Give him one of Davids biscuits and he will let you"


I didn't know they let dogs into Tesco.


They don't.
But you often see then tied up just outside the doors.

On Sun, 08 Sep 2013 11:20:40 +0200, Martin wrote:

I was also at Tesco the other day, and I saw a dog licking his
privates. I said to his owner "I wish I could do that"
The owner said "Give him one of Davids biscuits and he will let
you"

I didn't know they let dogs into Tesco.

English isn't your first langauge. "I was also at Tesco ..." not "I
was also in Tesco ..."

Only into the butchery department?

Shh, back door only and at night.

Seeing dogs for the blind are probably admitted, they quite often are
where other dogs are banned.

--
Cheers
Dave.

On 08/09/2013 11:01, Dave Liquorice wrote:
On Sun, 08 Sep 2013 11:20:40 +0200, Martin wrote:

I was also at Tesco the other day, and I saw a dog licking his
privates. I said to his owner "I wish I could do that"
The owner said "Give him one of Davids biscuits and he will let
you"

I didn't know they let dogs into Tesco.

English isn't your first langauge. "I was also at Tesco ..." not "I
was also in Tesco ..."

Only into the butchery department?

Shh, back door only and at night.

Seeing dogs for the blind are probably admitted, they quite often are
where other dogs are banned.

I really don't know what you are blathering about.
I suspect from your reply that English is more my first language than it
is yours.
"I was at Tesco" says I was at the site of their store, car park and
all, "In Tesco" says I was inside the store.
As for Seeing dogs, I have to assume that you are talking about dogs
that help those with impaired vision, at least you didn't refer to them
as "Blind" dogs.
In the UK we have Guide dogs for the blind,.
In the US of A they have Seeing Eye Dogs.